Neo-Fundamentalists Vote To Exclude Themselves

After two crushing blows at this year’s Southern Baptist Convention neo-Fundamentalists in the Baptist Identity wing of the denomination have voted to exclude themselves from fellowship.

Baptist Identity blogs were unanimous in their support for Georgia pastor Frank Cox.  Cox, however, was defeated in a stunning first ballot vote.  Most prognosticators had predicted a runoff between Cox and Johnny Hunt yet, Hunt took the Presidency with ease in a vote that wasn’t even close.

Nevertheless, Baptist Identity hopes were not entirely crushed as they awaited the adoption of resolutions.  Pastor Tom Ascol had presented a resolution on Integrity in Church Membership the previous two years only to see the resolution killed in committee.  One of those who previously argued against Ascol’s resolution, Dr. Malcolm Inthemiddle, submitted his own version this year, co-authored with Pastor Damned Barebones.  Attempts prior to the convention to craft a resolution that both parties could support failed.  The version of the resolution that the committee brought to the floor of the convention contained the wording supported by the Baptist Identity group.  However, efforts from the floor to include the objectionable wording contained in the Ascol version passed, leaving the neo-Fundamentalists with a second significant defeat.

Having suffered further marginalization the neo-Fundamentalists, having a desperate desire to return home with a victory – any victory – held a closed-door meeting at a local hotel in which insiders tell us member Liz Hasselhoff moved that their group be disfellowshipped from the Southern Baptist Convention and that members disfellowship from one another.  A second came from Rosie O’Worley and discussion ensued.

Speaking to her own motion, Liz noted that they were obviously out of step with the mainstream of Southern Baptists and that their divisiveness warranted a censure.  Babwa Wawa then read the third chapter of Titus with special emphasis on verse ten, arguing that, to be Biblically faithful they must vote to have nothing to do with one another.  There were, apparently, none who spoke against the motion and it was adopted by acclamation.

It is unclear what will become of this Baptist Identity movement, though the history of Fundamentalism would seem to indicate a further sense of isolationism, more narrowly defined rules of cooperation and a “remnant theology” to be on the horizon.  BI blogs have already begun attacking friend and foe alike, recently targeting Dr. Daniel Akin’s call for a Great Commission Resurgence, the Southeastern Seminary Building Bridges Conference and a local Indianapolis confectionery.

Stay tuned for further developments.

SBC Endorsements

It’s time for blog endorsements related to the upcoming convention in Indianapolis. We here at SBC TooDazed want to be sure and get our endorsements in so that you, the reader, might be informed, equipped and thoroughly influenced prior to the meetings next week. With that in mind, here are our endorsements for next week’s convention proceedings.

For President we endorse the write-in candidacy of Alan Hale, Junior. Several things about Bro. Hale commend him to us. First, he was captain of a small vessel and the SBC is predominantly comprised of small churches. He also had experience navigating turbulent waters, much like the turbulence the SBC appears to be facing these days. Thirdly, he is dead which means that he has experience regarding that perilous death to which the SBC seems headed. Perhaps he can show us what to do when we get there.

For First Vice-President we endorse Benjamin S. Cole. Two things about Mr. Cole commend themselves to us. On the one hand, Wiley Drake has tested and proven the theory that, try as you may, no matter who sits in the position of First Vice-President, and no matter how hard that person might work to blow things up, there is virtually nothing that can be done from that position to harm the convention. On the other hand, Ben Cole as First Vice-President would quickly take our minds off of Wiley Drake as First Vice-President.

For Second Vice-President we endorse Peter Lamekin. Again, several relevant points lead us to this recommendation. Firstly, southerners with mullets don’t occupy places of prominence as they once did. Shoot, even Billy Ray Cyrus gave up his mullet (apparently along with his singing career). It’s time we bring the mullet back to semi-respectability and no one can do that for the SBC like Mr. Lamekin. Secondly, everyone says that any old carbon-based biped that walks upright could fill the position of SBC Second Vice-President and we intend to prove the truth of that. Thirdly, we would love to get the exclusive video footage of the working lunch with these three officers meeting together.

We further recommend the following:

Given the aging nature of convention attendees we recommend the Winslow Facial Plastic Surgery Center. Get that long-overdue face and neck lift or remove that unwanted facial hair so that the pastor’s wife will be sure to look her best the following Sunday. Who knows, you may get your deacons and their wives to attend convention with you next year!

Also, if you were not a proponent of the 2006 resolution on alcohol be sure and check out Nicky Blaine’s downtown martini bar. It’s styled after the Roaring 20s, so the average-aged conventioneer will feel like they’ve been taken back to their childhood.

And for those who are members of the Association of Corpulent Baptists (thank you, Mr. Miller), we recommend the Chicken Maque Choux at the award-winning Yats. It comes highly recommended and looks sure to do its part in your ongoing personal expansion project.

See you in Indy!

Person Peter Lamekin

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Esmeralda And Quasimodo Vote For Frank Cox

In this seven part series of Esmeralda and Quasimodo guest contributor Kay Sarah Sarah tells us what would cause her to raise her ballot in favor of Frank Cox an SBC presidential candidate. Rather than punish you seven times with seven posts, we’ll only punish you this once with our entire seven point series.

There are certain qualities that I believe Frank Cox a candidate needs to serve as President of the Southern Baptist Convention. I hope that you, too, will consider these qualities as you consider the Frank Cox person you will raise your ballot for in Indianapolis.

1. First and foremost, the man who serves as President of the SBC should not be named Wiley. We all remember Wiley Coyote and the shenanigans he kept trying to pull with that road runner. You simply can’t trust a man by the name of Wiley vote for Frank Cox.

2. He should be from the heartland of the U.S., preferably from the deep South. After all, we are the Southern Baptist Convention. What in the world would someone from, say, California Bill Wagner know about Southern Baptists? A vote for Bill Wagner is like a vote for Hillary Clinton.

3. He should be from a mega church Frank Cox. After all, how can a person who only deals with a couple hundred people Wiley Drake each week Bill Wagner be trusted to speak for 16 million Baptists? Frank Cox has grown his church well into the thousands. Please vote for him.

4. He should have his own campaign website www.frankcox.org, but he shouldn’t say anything too specifically there www.williamwagner.org. He certainly shouldn’t have gone so far as to articulate any sort of platform on that site. No, he should have some nice pictures, a current resume listing the nine or so state and national convention positions he’s held, the 26 or so prominent places at which he’s been invited to speak and the two or so books he’s written. Or something like that.

5. He should never publicly admit that he actually desires to serve as SBC President Bill Wagner. Instead he should have all the appearance of the desire, such as a campaign website, without the public admission that he would actually desire the position Frank Cox.

6. It would be nice if his name was not too difficult to spell. After all, Baptist Press will be spelling it for two years. There are some difficult names out there. Names like…oh…I don’t know….Wagner. I mean, is there, or is there not, an “o” in there? Is it one “n” or two? No, something simple like….well….let’s see….Cox, maybe. That’s a good three-letter name that’s really hard to mess up. You must, you must, you must, vote for Frank Cox.

7. He should be a uniter, not a divider. Under no circumstances under God’s blue sky should you give one moment’s consideration to voting for Wiley Drake.

These are the things I will be considering as I raise my ballot in the air in Indianapolis for Frank Cox one of the presidential candidates who meets these criteria. I hope you will give due consideration to these points as well so that we can elect Frank Cox a president we can all be proud to call our own.

Sincerely,

Kay Sarah Sarah