Archive for the ‘SBC Politics’ Category

Neo-Fundamentalists Vote To Exclude Themselves

July 8, 2008

After two crushing blows at this year’s Southern Baptist Convention neo-Fundamentalists in the Baptist Identity wing of the denomination have voted to exclude themselves from fellowship.

Baptist Identity blogs were unanimous in their support for Georgia pastor Frank Cox.  Cox, however, was defeated in a stunning first ballot vote.  Most prognosticators had predicted a runoff between Cox and Johnny Hunt yet, Hunt took the Presidency with ease in a vote that wasn’t even close.

Nevertheless, Baptist Identity hopes were not entirely crushed as they awaited the adoption of resolutions.  Pastor Tom Ascol had presented a resolution on Integrity in Church Membership the previous two years only to see the resolution killed in committee.  One of those who previously argued against Ascol’s resolution, Dr. Malcolm Inthemiddle, submitted his own version this year, co-authored with Pastor Damned Barebones.  Attempts prior to the convention to craft a resolution that both parties could support failed.  The version of the resolution that the committee brought to the floor of the convention contained the wording supported by the Baptist Identity group.  However, efforts from the floor to include the objectionable wording contained in the Ascol version passed, leaving the neo-Fundamentalists with a second significant defeat.

Having suffered further marginalization the neo-Fundamentalists, having a desperate desire to return home with a victory – any victory – held a closed-door meeting at a local hotel in which insiders tell us member Liz Hasselhoff moved that their group be disfellowshipped from the Southern Baptist Convention and that members disfellowship from one another.  A second came from Rosie O’Worley and discussion ensued.

Speaking to her own motion, Liz noted that they were obviously out of step with the mainstream of Southern Baptists and that their divisiveness warranted a censure.  Babwa Wawa then read the third chapter of Titus with special emphasis on verse ten, arguing that, to be Biblically faithful they must vote to have nothing to do with one another.  There were, apparently, none who spoke against the motion and it was adopted by acclamation.

It is unclear what will become of this Baptist Identity movement, though the history of Fundamentalism would seem to indicate a further sense of isolationism, more narrowly defined rules of cooperation and a “remnant theology” to be on the horizon.  BI blogs have already begun attacking friend and foe alike, recently targeting Dr. Daniel Akin’s call for a Great Commission Resurgence, the Southeastern Seminary Building Bridges Conference and a local Indianapolis confectionery.

Stay tuned for further developments.

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I’ll Take What’s Behind Curtain Number Three!

June 16, 2008

Oh, we at SBC TooDazed think it is absolutely fabulous that Johnny Hunt was elected President of the SBC! We believe that Pastor Hunt was the only candidate with the ability to revitalize the annual convention meetings. In a day and age where the average Southern Baptist pastor would rather be smitten with boils than attend the annual convention we predict that Brother Hunt will breathe life back into the dying corpse that is the annual meeting. How will he do this? iPods and Hummers!

He may not be giving any away this year at his Pastor’s Conference, but we believe this strategy may well be the very thing that gets the younger crowd to Orlando next summer in 2010. Well, that and Disney World.

SBC Endorsements

June 4, 2008

It’s time for blog endorsements related to the upcoming convention in Indianapolis. We here at SBC TooDazed want to be sure and get our endorsements in so that you, the reader, might be informed, equipped and thoroughly influenced prior to the meetings next week. With that in mind, here are our endorsements for next week’s convention proceedings.

For President we endorse the write-in candidacy of Alan Hale, Junior. Several things about Bro. Hale commend him to us. First, he was captain of a small vessel and the SBC is predominantly comprised of small churches. He also had experience navigating turbulent waters, much like the turbulence the SBC appears to be facing these days. Thirdly, he is dead which means that he has experience regarding that perilous death to which the SBC seems headed. Perhaps he can show us what to do when we get there.

For First Vice-President we endorse Benjamin S. Cole. Two things about Mr. Cole commend themselves to us. On the one hand, Wiley Drake has tested and proven the theory that, try as you may, no matter who sits in the position of First Vice-President, and no matter how hard that person might work to blow things up, there is virtually nothing that can be done from that position to harm the convention. On the other hand, Ben Cole as First Vice-President would quickly take our minds off of Wiley Drake as First Vice-President.

For Second Vice-President we endorse Peter Lamekin. Again, several relevant points lead us to this recommendation. Firstly, southerners with mullets don’t occupy places of prominence as they once did. Shoot, even Billy Ray Cyrus gave up his mullet (apparently along with his singing career). It’s time we bring the mullet back to semi-respectability and no one can do that for the SBC like Mr. Lamekin. Secondly, everyone says that any old carbon-based biped that walks upright could fill the position of SBC Second Vice-President and we intend to prove the truth of that. Thirdly, we would love to get the exclusive video footage of the working lunch with these three officers meeting together.

We further recommend the following:

Given the aging nature of convention attendees we recommend the Winslow Facial Plastic Surgery Center. Get that long-overdue face and neck lift or remove that unwanted facial hair so that the pastor’s wife will be sure to look her best the following Sunday. Who knows, you may get your deacons and their wives to attend convention with you next year!

Also, if you were not a proponent of the 2006 resolution on alcohol be sure and check out Nicky Blaine’s downtown martini bar. It’s styled after the Roaring 20s, so the average-aged conventioneer will feel like they’ve been taken back to their childhood.

And for those who are members of the Association of Corpulent Baptists (thank you, Mr. Miller), we recommend the Chicken Maque Choux at the award-winning Yats. It comes highly recommended and looks sure to do its part in your ongoing personal expansion project.

See you in Indy!

The Association of Convictionless Baptists

May 30, 2008

I’m too darned cheap to go around buying domain names for every brilliant idea I have, so I’ve formed a new Association that I’m promoting here at SBC TooDazed called the Association of Convictionless Baptists. It is a product of my First Year Initiative in which I’m calling for an appreciation of all things Baptist since at least February or March of this year. There isn’t much to go on so far: the resignation of Wade Burleson and a couple of rather ominous-sounding reports from Ed Stetzer’s research group at LifeWay, something heading towards a baker’s dozen candidates for SBC President, and the average Southern Baptist preacher’s expanding girth.

Who is in the Association of Convictionless Baptists?

Well, at the moment no one, but we are taking applications. Baptists who have convictions claim our numbers are very great. However, our membership tends to be much like the “Some” family that exists in many churches. You’ve heard of them, right? A well-meaning (or not-so-well-meaning) person comes to you just prior to the Sunday morning worship service and says, “Pastor, some people are saying you preach too long.” When you ask who these people are you get a blank stare, as if you’d just asked them solve a Navier-Stokes equation. In fact, nearly every complaint or problem in church life originates with the Some family. Likewise, we are told that there are “some” Baptists who are Convictionless Baptists. It is likely that they are in every church, but centuries of Baptist life have failed to reveal the specific identity of any of these people individually.

What is the sine qua non of a Convictionless Baptist?

Lacking convictions there really is no sine qua non for our group. On the other hand, our raison d’être is to look smart by using Latin words the average person must look up. If we can’t find Latin words you don’t know, we’ll try Greek, Hebrew, Spanish, German, French or even really obscure English words. Like “evagation.” Our only conviction is to look smart at what we are doing.

Where’d the name come from?

For the mathematically challenged, we have chosen a three-word title. But we’ll describe the second word first, the third word second and the first word third. Just to make it interesting.

We are Convictionless. There are other names inappropriately used to describe us, like ecumenists, or reformers, or dissidents. No, we are simply convictionless. Our hope is that the Southern Baptist Convention becomes awash in anything and everything. We don’t care. Baptisms are down? Bah! CP giving percentages are in decline? No biggie. Emergents are taking over like the Russians in Red Dawn? Who cares (we really like Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell and Charlie Sheen – especially the young versions)? Not us.

We are Baptists. Well, for the most part. We trend away from using “Baptist” in the naming of our churches these days. We don’t use LifeWay material. We give a pittance to the Cooperative Program. We would much rather go to a John Piper Conference, or a Willow Creek event, or listen to John Maxwell tapes, or rub our bare bottoms with 60 grit sandpaper than attend a Baptist event. The prominent preachers in our convention spend a good amount of time preaching against us. Baptist watchblogs excoriate us and are not beyond making up things that simply aren’t true to make their point about us. But we like the name. It has a nice ring to it. And even if we’re not “real” Baptists, we hope that one day we might be.

We are an Association. Well, if there really were any of “us” I suppose “we” might make an association. “Some” may join us in our quest for the convictionless. We are often told that there are many of us. Now if we could just get the mailing list perhaps we could ask for our share of the CP giving and I could sit around all day promoting this nonsense. In fact, with as many of “us” as there seem to be I should be sitting under an umbrella on the beach of the French Riviera typing this out on my new MacBook Pro. But I guess my kind of snobbery doesn’t pay as well as I think it should. Yet.

Les Puryear – The Well-Oiled Political Machine

April 12, 2008

The real enemy of the SBCBlogger Les Puryear is a well-oiled political machine. If you don’t believe me just ask Damned Barebones. He was so offended by what he perceived as a shot against him from ol’ Les that he droned on and on for, I don’t know, nineteen or so paragraphs on Puryear’s supposed political machinations.

Reading the always salient “This is your best post ever. I couldn’t agree more!” comments reveals that Bro. Puryear vicariously supports women pastors, the CBF, lawsuits, Private Prayer Languages, alcohol consumption, R-rated movies, tattoos, totalitarian regimes and the candidacy of Barak Obama. I say vicariously because anything Wade Burleson, Ben Cole or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad supports, Les supports.  We know this because he once saw Wade Burleson with his own eyes, has thus far failed to unequivocally denounce Ben Cole as the spawn of Lucifer and preached a sermon in which he uttered a paragraph where all the letters in Ahmadinejad’s name were used (coincidence? I don’t think so.).

Les. How in the world do you think you could get elected Sunday School Director in your own church with that on your resumé?

What’s worse is that Les hosted a small church conference. Les, Les, Les. Don’t you know that if you want to get anywhere in Southern Baptist life you must pay homage to the right people (as opposed to the wrong ones, of course) and that would certainly include every bright shining light who pastors a church well over the “small” threshold.

No, my friend. Whatever your political aspirations you can be assured that they will come to the same unfortunate fate of your motion in San Antonio. No. Actually they will come to a much worse fate. That is, if we Baptist Identity folk have anything to say about it.

“Good luck!” <wink, wink>

Frank Cox, Our Kind of Non-Calvinist

March 10, 2008

This is a guest column by our friend Liz Hasselhoff. Liz is our resident Latin scholar (which means that she knows two Latin words: sola and gratia). Liz is also our resident defender of selective theological points gleaned from that reformer John Calvin. We hope you enjoy this installment from SBC TooDazed.

Would you please repeat the Shahada with me:

“There is no God but God, and John Calvin is his messenger.”

We here at SBC TooDazed want to make sure you fully grasp the Calvinistic implications of the upcoming SBC presidential election in June. In the great many interviews that we have done we’ve gotten around to two of the declared presidential candidates. We probably won’t interview Wiley Drake as everyone knows he is a freak of nature and has about as much chance winning the SBC Presidency as I have of discovering who Bill Kiffin really is or that my friend Yippee Goldstein will ever get “the 411.” But we have interviewed Frank Cox and Bill Wagner and we have determined that, of the two, Frank Cox is our kind of non-Calvinist.

Bill Wagner believes Calvinists are unevangelistic, perhaps even anti-evangelistic. Never mind that Frank Cox likely believes exactly the same thing yet refused to be so direct in his assertion. We like code words and code phrases – like “give me the 411.” Direct discourse is for sissies. No. Frank Cox only said that he is a biblicist. We would much prefer that our SBC President imply that we do not believe the Bible than that he directly state that he wonders if we are fully committed to evangelism and missions. We can assure you that we Calvinists believe in evangelism and missions whether we believe the Bible or not. Now, of course, we don’t mind telling you that we believe in both. But if you are going to call our devotion to one or the other into question, then question our devotion to the Bible and you will get our hearty endorsement (and here). Question our commitment to evangelism and missions and….well….probably not.

For more great lessons in Latin, please visit our friend Liz (a.k.a. Scott Gordon) at http://sagordon.blogspot.com. He puts the “fun” in “fundamentalist!”