Archive for the ‘Baptist Identity’ Category

I’m…er…uh…Kinda Sorta Sorry

May 26, 2009

Some things will bring just about anyone out of retirement.

You know, over the course of time I’ve been pretty hard on the Baptist Identity Boyz.  I’ve accused them of being girlish.  I’ve implied they are fundamentalists.  I’ve called them theologically wishy-washy and have indicated that their status as vertibrates is in question.  But it is time that I make some sort of apology for all of this.  Emphasis on the “some sort of.”

You see, I’ve simply been passing along high-level insider information that I’ve received from BI headquarters.  I’m not the culprit here.  An unnamed source who is on the official BI payroll announced all of these things and more at a recent public meeting.  In fact, this source indicated that certain BI proponents wear women’s underpants and subscribe to Oprah on iTunes.  It is further reported that a substantial amount of their income is spent on hair care products (certain of the hairless variety being the exception).

However, it appears that I may have been duped.  Used as a shill.

Thus, I want to be up front and honest concerning my motives so that others may avoid the unfortunate pitfalls to which I’ve succumbed.

I’ve written what I’ve written because:

1. My super high-confidential-already-in-a-witness-protection-program source is totally true and trustworthy.  I mean, generally speaking this guy’s the Bible.  He’s an atomic clock.  Steady as a sunrise.  Who knew he was going to go all Jayson Blair on me?

2. Because these things have been so easy to believe.  Come on.  You tell me one look at Rosie O’Worley won’t convince you that she wears women’s underpants.  Or that Yippee Goldstein isn’t an Oprah fan.  Or that Peter Lamekin’s mullet isn’t held firmly in place with the aid of a little Miss Clairol.

3. Because this is important stuff right here.  If these guys are running around in bustiers then someone owes Madonna a serious apology.  If Oprah is becoming a multi-bazillionaire through Baptist Identity contributions then someone owes Lottie Moon a serious apology.  And if these guys are invertibrates then someone owes invertibrates a serious apology.

However, it now appears that all of that information is potentially wrong.  It appears that I may have given the ninth commandment a hairline fracture.  So let me say that I’m kinda sorta sorry.

I want to apologize to Victoria’s Secret for besmirching their good reputation of clothing only swimsuit supermodels and emaciated manequines with their fine line of undergarments.

I want to apologize to The View for the implication that their brand of fundamentalism might require capitalization.

And I want to apologize to the Miss Clairol line.  Who knew mulletts look like that all on their own?

May we all learn a valuable lesson in these trying days.


Bill Clinton Considers A Return To SBC

July 15, 2008

William Jefferson Clinton received his first religions exposure in the Baptist church. He continues to consider himself a Baptist, though a number of years ago there were numerous calls for his home church in Arkansas to discipline him due to his marital infidelity, falsehoods and downright deceit.

Clinton’s relationship with the Southern Baptist Convention has certainly been a strained one. Aside from his home church in Arkansas it seemed that few if any Southern Baptists stood by the side of the former Commander in Chief during his time of self-inflicted trials and tribulations. It is no wonder that Clinton would not feel at home in the SBC.

However, things may be changing.

It was during those turbulent days that Clinton became famous for his grammatical parsing skills. Who will ever forget the unforgettable line, “It depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is?” Inside sources tell us that the former President is an avid reader of SBC Today and the penchant there for parsing the minutiae of Baptist doctrine along with parsing each word and phrase of the new emphasis on a Great Commission Resurgence has not escaped the admiring glance of the 42nd President of the United States.

Clinton released a public statement saying, “Why, shoot, they sound just like me in 1999. Those Southern Baptists have come a long way in nearly a decade. It really does make me feel like there might still be a place for me in the Southern Baptist family.”

Clinton did say, however, that he is looking for a vibrant worshiping community and if he can find one among the Baptist Identity supporters he would certainly consider a formal relationship with them. “It would be the best of both worlds, really.”

However, if it is no more interesting than the following service, he suggested he might take a pass.