Archive for the ‘Yippee Goldstein’ Category

I’m…er…uh…Kinda Sorta Sorry

May 26, 2009

Some things will bring just about anyone out of retirement.

You know, over the course of time I’ve been pretty hard on the Baptist Identity Boyz.  I’ve accused them of being girlish.  I’ve implied they are fundamentalists.  I’ve called them theologically wishy-washy and have indicated that their status as vertibrates is in question.  But it is time that I make some sort of apology for all of this.  Emphasis on the “some sort of.”

You see, I’ve simply been passing along high-level insider information that I’ve received from BI headquarters.  I’m not the culprit here.  An unnamed source who is on the official BI payroll announced all of these things and more at a recent public meeting.  In fact, this source indicated that certain BI proponents wear women’s underpants and subscribe to Oprah on iTunes.  It is further reported that a substantial amount of their income is spent on hair care products (certain of the hairless variety being the exception).

However, it appears that I may have been duped.  Used as a shill.

Thus, I want to be up front and honest concerning my motives so that others may avoid the unfortunate pitfalls to which I’ve succumbed.

I’ve written what I’ve written because:

1. My super high-confidential-already-in-a-witness-protection-program source is totally true and trustworthy.  I mean, generally speaking this guy’s the Bible.  He’s an atomic clock.  Steady as a sunrise.  Who knew he was going to go all Jayson Blair on me?

2. Because these things have been so easy to believe.  Come on.  You tell me one look at Rosie O’Worley won’t convince you that she wears women’s underpants.  Or that Yippee Goldstein isn’t an Oprah fan.  Or that Peter Lamekin’s mullet isn’t held firmly in place with the aid of a little Miss Clairol.

3. Because this is important stuff right here.  If these guys are running around in bustiers then someone owes Madonna a serious apology.  If Oprah is becoming a multi-bazillionaire through Baptist Identity contributions then someone owes Lottie Moon a serious apology.  And if these guys are invertibrates then someone owes invertibrates a serious apology.

However, it now appears that all of that information is potentially wrong.  It appears that I may have given the ninth commandment a hairline fracture.  So let me say that I’m kinda sorta sorry.

I want to apologize to Victoria’s Secret for besmirching their good reputation of clothing only swimsuit supermodels and emaciated manequines with their fine line of undergarments.

I want to apologize to The View for the implication that their brand of fundamentalism might require capitalization.

And I want to apologize to the Miss Clairol line.  Who knew mulletts look like that all on their own?

May we all learn a valuable lesson in these trying days.

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An Open Letter To Yippee

July 10, 2008

Today we left a comment at The View that consisted of the essence of “Case in point number two:” below, but without the sarcasm and wit.  It was rather benign and a point which was relevant to the wildly hurtful accusation <g> leveled at us by the post’s author.  One of the reasons we started SBC TooDazed was that their “resource managers” tend to rule their comment stream with an iron delete button…well….unless, of course, the offender is one of their own.  Then you can practically get away with murder!  [No kidding.  The English language gets killed there on a regular basis.]  However, in the interests of the free exchange of ideas, a voice for the otherwise voiceless, and because we are committed to our part in Rosie’s ongoing sanctification (that she might learn to bless those who curse her and love her enemies), we offer our response here at SBC TooDazed.

Dear Yippee,

Please stop. Blogging. Dear, you’re embarrassing yourself. You were entertaining in Jumpin’ Jack Flash. Not so much on the internet.

Case in point number one: Butchering the English language when speaking can have a sort-of endearing, folksy, down-to-earth sense. I mean, we all love to hear Bill Engvall’s little folksy country twang as he makes fun of people who make videos of themselves being idiots. Thank you, CMT, for bringing enjoyment to our television sets. However, when people write with the hope of being taken seriously it makes it very difficult to do so when the simple rules of English are trampled like attendees at a Who concert. Especially one who has a college degree. It reflects poorly on your alma mater. Surely they know how to educate their students in the basic rules of subject / verb agreement.

Case in point number two: Compelling arguments require clear critical thinking. You demonstrate an aptitude for neither. We hate to say it, dear, but it’s just true. For instance, you recently assume (wrongly, as seems to regularly be the case) that our little poke at The View was in reference to a comment you left on one of Karen’s posts. Au contraire. There was quite enough in the post itself for our attention. However, if you want to insert your own importance into the discussion at hand we are rather more concerned with the part of your comment that you didn’t quote than with the part you did. Take, for instance, this snippet: “My concern is that the GCR advocates more Let’s win the world for Christ and don’t worry about doctrine…” That, my dear, is a criticism of the GCR. That, by the way, is exactly what we stated in the post you referenced here.

Case in point number three: Hyperlinks can be so…fun! They take us places we might never go otherwise. Happy places. Interesting places. We might find a new hat or a good cookbook, or we might find an interesting place to attend where they would both be useful. Many blogging programs try to simplify the hyperlinking process. They do most of the work for us. Yet, you have demonstrated the singular ability to create entire posts which do not contain one successful hyperlink. Links that end up with pages that say, “Try again” or to such uninteresting and useless places like “http.com” are not fun at all.

We would continue, but it just doesn’t seem ladylike to pile on. My dear, you may be a wonderful pastor. Please do not deprive your good people of your personal presence. Use the time you spend on the internet with them or with your family. It will be so much more rewarding for everyone. Or do a Ghost sequel. Now that was a good movie!

SBC TooDazed Goes Primitive

July 3, 2008

Yes, we is throwing out the MLA style book and bringing you our best thinking without messing it all up with things like subject/verb agreement and the like. You used to could of read some other blogs that care about that sorta thing, but we’re throwin’ it to the wind around here.

We used to use all those fancy-dancy rules of English, sometimes throwin’ in a Latin word or two and people didn’t care much for it. They’d call us snooty. Uppity. Holier-n-thou. It made me so mad I was just a-gripin’ and a-gripin’ and the Lord said, “Gripe on!”

Now, we aint gonna dumb it down too much. We’re not gonna get on no kiddie level or nothin. You know, the little children, they talk on a much lower level than what we talk. We gotta keep some class around here. But don’t expect us to be saying anything that’d make you go get your notebook and want to write it down.

That’s all.

Oh, and happy July 4th. Go out and pop you some firecrackers or somethin’.

Burning Bridges

June 26, 2008

Burning BridgesSpeaking of burning, I imagine the reason Yippee Goldstein has been a prominent figure the last week or so at The View is because Karin Bear and Rosie O’Worley are busy medicating their backsides, recently having had the board of education skillfully and repeatedly applied to them by Professor Greg Welty. Oh, well. By the way, Yippee tells us that she once considered investing in a junk yard. You can find it here.

We here at SBC TooDazed are not interested in building any bridges. We intend to burn as many as we can. Surely you can tell that from our masthead motto. But perhaps we should be more specific. We are not just out to burn bridges with our non-Southern Baptist brethren and sistren. We will burn them with as many of our Southern Baptist family as is necessary for absolute and unadulterated doctrinal purity in all things.

Take, for instance, our sister Rosie O’Worley. Recently she told us of the many doctrinal positions with which she would gladly disagree and yet cooperate. Like the doctrine of frequenting restaurants that serve alcoholic beverages. You can find that in 2 Worley 3:16. Or the doctrine of hymns and choruses which can be found in the Canticles of Rosie. Another “tertiary doctrine” is the doctrine of suits and ties. I think I read about that one in Wayne Grudem’s Systematic Theology. Oh, yes, I see that discussion begins on page 490. No, my beloved, these “doctrines” are very minor and ones with which we should not divide.

However, if you mention camels, charismatics, cooperation, Coronas or caveats without assigning their advocates to a place far past Minos and Cerberus, beyond the City of Dis, across the Phlegethon and straight into Cocytus itself, then there will be nothing but broken bridges that exist betwixt me and thee even if you don’t baptize babies, don’t believe a person can lose their salvation, believe in the authority of Scripture and a host of other doctrines with which you would agree.

So, in tribute we take you back in time to The Trammps for our theme song:

The Sounds of Silence

March 25, 2008

It appears that Babwa and the girls, along with all of the other Paige Patterson groupies out there, have gone all Helen Keller on us.

SBC Outpost has been publishing the Paige Patterson court deposition.  My, oh my!  I never thought a public leader would ever prove to have a memory worse than Ronald Regan during the Iran-Contra proceedings.  Boy, was I wrong.

Not only that, but the things he does remember impeach his woeful leadership skills.  We all know that Sonic would not fire a fry cook based upon such unsubstantiated and undocumented hearsay.  In fact, to pursue a professor without a formal follow-up is to act on nothing more than the gossip of some students who’s agenda remains unknown (if those students, in fact, existed in the first place).

Perhaps those student’s names are Huckleberry Finn, Genji and Madame Bovary – real in the minds of some, but fictional characters to the rest of us.  Who will ever know?  The ineptitude of employer Patterson’s memory is only outdone by his equally inept documentation responsibilities.  And these are not simply allegations.  You can read the public transcripts for yourself.

Which makes one wonder where Babwa, Yippee, Liz, Peter, Damned Barebones and Rosie all are at this moment.  Why aren’t they talking at The View?  Perhaps the batteries in all of their wireless keyboards have all mysteriously gone out at the same time.  Oh, no, that can’t be it.  After all, some of them have made announcements about the official decision of the court.  When it comes to defending Paige Patterson these folks are usually about as inhibited as Rosie O’Donnell and Alec Baldwin are in their comments regarding George Bush (though in an opposite sort of way).

I’d bet my pink Cadillac that not a one of them will have anything at all to say about this deposition.  Oh, brother Barebones may try to find some creative way to make angels dance on the heads of pins.  The rest will just stand there combing their hair in hopes of finding an angel or two up there.