Archive for the ‘Bart Barber’ Category

I’m…er…uh…Kinda Sorta Sorry

May 26, 2009

Some things will bring just about anyone out of retirement.

You know, over the course of time I’ve been pretty hard on the Baptist Identity Boyz.  I’ve accused them of being girlish.  I’ve implied they are fundamentalists.  I’ve called them theologically wishy-washy and have indicated that their status as vertibrates is in question.  But it is time that I make some sort of apology for all of this.  Emphasis on the “some sort of.”

You see, I’ve simply been passing along high-level insider information that I’ve received from BI headquarters.  I’m not the culprit here.  An unnamed source who is on the official BI payroll announced all of these things and more at a recent public meeting.  In fact, this source indicated that certain BI proponents wear women’s underpants and subscribe to Oprah on iTunes.  It is further reported that a substantial amount of their income is spent on hair care products (certain of the hairless variety being the exception).

However, it appears that I may have been duped.  Used as a shill.

Thus, I want to be up front and honest concerning my motives so that others may avoid the unfortunate pitfalls to which I’ve succumbed.

I’ve written what I’ve written because:

1. My super high-confidential-already-in-a-witness-protection-program source is totally true and trustworthy.  I mean, generally speaking this guy’s the Bible.  He’s an atomic clock.  Steady as a sunrise.  Who knew he was going to go all Jayson Blair on me?

2. Because these things have been so easy to believe.  Come on.  You tell me one look at Rosie O’Worley won’t convince you that she wears women’s underpants.  Or that Yippee Goldstein isn’t an Oprah fan.  Or that Peter Lamekin’s mullet isn’t held firmly in place with the aid of a little Miss Clairol.

3. Because this is important stuff right here.  If these guys are running around in bustiers then someone owes Madonna a serious apology.  If Oprah is becoming a multi-bazillionaire through Baptist Identity contributions then someone owes Lottie Moon a serious apology.  And if these guys are invertibrates then someone owes invertibrates a serious apology.

However, it now appears that all of that information is potentially wrong.  It appears that I may have given the ninth commandment a hairline fracture.  So let me say that I’m kinda sorta sorry.

I want to apologize to Victoria’s Secret for besmirching their good reputation of clothing only swimsuit supermodels and emaciated manequines with their fine line of undergarments.

I want to apologize to The View for the implication that their brand of fundamentalism might require capitalization.

And I want to apologize to the Miss Clairol line.  Who knew mulletts look like that all on their own?

May we all learn a valuable lesson in these trying days.

Les Puryear – The Well-Oiled Political Machine

April 12, 2008

The real enemy of the SBCBlogger Les Puryear is a well-oiled political machine. If you don’t believe me just ask Damned Barebones. He was so offended by what he perceived as a shot against him from ol’ Les that he droned on and on for, I don’t know, nineteen or so paragraphs on Puryear’s supposed political machinations.

Reading the always salient “This is your best post ever. I couldn’t agree more!” comments reveals that Bro. Puryear vicariously supports women pastors, the CBF, lawsuits, Private Prayer Languages, alcohol consumption, R-rated movies, tattoos, totalitarian regimes and the candidacy of Barak Obama. I say vicariously because anything Wade Burleson, Ben Cole or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad supports, Les supports.  We know this because he once saw Wade Burleson with his own eyes, has thus far failed to unequivocally denounce Ben Cole as the spawn of Lucifer and preached a sermon in which he uttered a paragraph where all the letters in Ahmadinejad’s name were used (coincidence? I don’t think so.).

Les. How in the world do you think you could get elected Sunday School Director in your own church with that on your resumé?

What’s worse is that Les hosted a small church conference. Les, Les, Les. Don’t you know that if you want to get anywhere in Southern Baptist life you must pay homage to the right people (as opposed to the wrong ones, of course) and that would certainly include every bright shining light who pastors a church well over the “small” threshold.

No, my friend. Whatever your political aspirations you can be assured that they will come to the same unfortunate fate of your motion in San Antonio. No. Actually they will come to a much worse fate. That is, if we Baptist Identity folk have anything to say about it.

“Good luck!” <wink, wink>

The Sounds of Silence

March 25, 2008

It appears that Babwa and the girls, along with all of the other Paige Patterson groupies out there, have gone all Helen Keller on us.

SBC Outpost has been publishing the Paige Patterson court deposition.  My, oh my!  I never thought a public leader would ever prove to have a memory worse than Ronald Regan during the Iran-Contra proceedings.  Boy, was I wrong.

Not only that, but the things he does remember impeach his woeful leadership skills.  We all know that Sonic would not fire a fry cook based upon such unsubstantiated and undocumented hearsay.  In fact, to pursue a professor without a formal follow-up is to act on nothing more than the gossip of some students who’s agenda remains unknown (if those students, in fact, existed in the first place).

Perhaps those student’s names are Huckleberry Finn, Genji and Madame Bovary – real in the minds of some, but fictional characters to the rest of us.  Who will ever know?  The ineptitude of employer Patterson’s memory is only outdone by his equally inept documentation responsibilities.  And these are not simply allegations.  You can read the public transcripts for yourself.

Which makes one wonder where Babwa, Yippee, Liz, Peter, Damned Barebones and Rosie all are at this moment.  Why aren’t they talking at The View?  Perhaps the batteries in all of their wireless keyboards have all mysteriously gone out at the same time.  Oh, no, that can’t be it.  After all, some of them have made announcements about the official decision of the court.  When it comes to defending Paige Patterson these folks are usually about as inhibited as Rosie O’Donnell and Alec Baldwin are in their comments regarding George Bush (though in an opposite sort of way).

I’d bet my pink Cadillac that not a one of them will have anything at all to say about this deposition.  Oh, brother Barebones may try to find some creative way to make angels dance on the heads of pins.  The rest will just stand there combing their hair in hopes of finding an angel or two up there.

O Bart, Where Art Thou?

March 8, 2008

We here at SBC TooDazed are pleased to have a new reader, Bart Barber, from Damned Barebones. Bart is a long-time associate of Babwa and the girls. We noted some time back that a very poor attempt at a parody of the weblog SBC Outpost was highlighted by Bart on his blog. Of course, the jocularity at SBC Outpests only lasted a few weeks as it appeared that the blog owner was woefully short on material. To be honest, we at SBC TooDazed were not overly impressed with the attempts they did make. This makes us inclined to believe that Liz was behind the SBC Outpests. You remember Liz. She’s the one who tracked down Bill Kiffin at Robert L. Thompson’s house in Kansas City……or not. Liz needs a good pencil sharpener, because she is rather blunt.

Anyhoo, since Brother Barebones is a fan of parody blogs, we look forward to his link over here at SBC TooDazed. After all, we can’t nearly be as lame as SBC Outpests.

Welcome aboard, Brother Barebones!

[And if Liz wants to know how I knew you visited, please tell her that I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be able to follow along.]